Last night I was looking through my friend Bonnie’s FB page for her fabulous little store Barrenland Jewellery. While there I noticed a few pictures of the pyrrah
wax seal necklaces she carries. I love them. I own 2 of them. They each
come with a little paper that reveals the meaning of each symbol. The
first one I received as a birthday gift from my day home kiddo’s mom,
Leslie. It is the smaller of the 2 in the pic above. It is a butterfly
which it the symbol of the soul, rebirth, transformation and
metamorphosis. The second I received from my mother. It is a stork which
is the symbol of the maternal bond and represents devotion to one’s
children.
I wore both pendants on separate
chains layered, and for me, at the time, they symbolized my new
pregnancy... my Li’l Peanut’s pregnancy. The butterfly for my baby, the
stork for my love of my living children and for this new little being
growing inside.
They took on a very deep meaning for
me. It wan’t just jewellery for the sake of pretty trinkets around my
neck (although they are!). There was a lot of symbolism attached to
them.
...And then there was no heartbeat...
I remember waking up the morning after
the panic of not hearing the sweet little gallop on the doppler at the
doctor’s office. We were on our way to the hospital to have an
ultrasound done to find out one way or another. I put my necklaces on
and began to rub them. And as I rubbed I hoped... hoped... hoped that we
would hear good news. While sitting in the waiting room I continued to
rub. While laying on the bed about to have the ultrasound done I held
them and hoped.
...And then my world crumbled...
...And then I removed the necklaces...
...And then I hung them in my closet...
...And there they sat until last night...
I began to think about how much I
really liked them. And I quickly realized that they were a part of her. A
big part of my pregnancy. A big part of my memories of Claire. Why not
pull them back out and wear them?
The butterfly has taken on a new
meaning, as it should, as it stands for transformation. Claire’s life,
birth and death have transformed everything about me. And the stork
remains the same, I am still a devoted mother, both to my living
children and to my little babe who left us too soon.
I woke up happy this morning! I could
not wait to get dressed and to make those necklaces a part of my daily
wardrobe as I do with Claire’s handprint necklace. It feels good to wear
jewellery. It feels even better, for me, when what I wear has meaning,
even if to everyone else it all just looks like pretty little trinkets
around my neck!
Today was another huge step forward in my healing.
